Rarity: Time to fix another one of God's mistakes. Regal!
Applejack: Do you have to shape everything into yourself?
Rarity: Hmm... Yes!
Applejack: We have to destroy the trees before they destroy us. Normally I don't like working with you, but princess Celestia said she teamed us up for a reason.
Rarity: Oh, but we have nothing in common. I come from a rich family, and you like to eat apples.
Applejack: [sighs] Let's call it quits, okay? It looks like raining if we stay out, and somepony's bound to come down with the disco fever.
Rarity: Too late! I feel overcome with the need to get funky.
Applejack: I told you to get yourself vaccinated.
Rarity: Ooh, ah, I can't help it! I'm in the groove! Find me a stage!
Applejack: Uhh, there. Dance on that table. Should come natural to ya...
Rarity: Oh. No, no, no! Not the trenches! Anything but the trenches!
Applejack: [sighs] What's wrong?
Rarity: This reminds me of the war.
Applejack: Ugh, are you still bothered by that? The war ended ten years ago.
Rarity: Well, I can hardly help it if I'm still traumatized.
Applejack: Your cutie mark should've been three purple hearts.
Rarity: Some ponies choose stylish injury over barbaric displays of violence.
Applejack: I did what I had to to protect the Apple family.
Rarity: I'm sure that's what you said while you were driving that stampede into a schoolhouse.
[lightning strikes]
Rarity: Perhaps we can set aside our differences for survival's sake.
Applejack: Right. For the first time, and last.
Applejack: Well. It ain't so bad if you pretend it's chocolate. Mmmm! [munching]
Rarity: Ugh, stop eating it!
Twilight Sparkle: Applejack! Rarity! It's me, Twilight Sparkle, your friend!
Applejack and Rarity: Not her...
Twilight Sparkle: Run towards the warm welcoming glow of my friendship.
Rarity: Thank you kindly, Twilight. But, uh, where's Spike?
Twilight Sparkle: Ohh, I sent him up to the roof to hold our lightning rod in place. Could take all night.
[thunder cracks] [Spike screams]
Rarity: We are honored to stay with the world's most faithful student. Go outside and look for any motels nearby.
Applejack: Grrr... If I have to spend one more minute with that deserter Rarity, I can't be held responsible for what I do... just like in the war.
Twilight Sparkle: Oh, cold out, huh? I hope you don't come down with the disco fever. The last time it rained this hard I broke out in jives.
Rarity: Well, I've survived worse.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, you're welcome to share the guest room. The storm blew some bowl cutters onto my phone line, so we're totally isolated. [gasps] You and Applejack will have to stay here! It'll be just like in my story! [laughing]
Rarity: Diamond in the rough, a love story. Applesack and Charity come from two different worlds...
Twilight Sparkle: My very own composition! It's a work in progress, but so far my reviewers love it. And just wait till chapter fourteen! That's when it gets really juicy!
Applejack: I looked around but no one else seemed to live nearby. Huh? What the coyote?! Not this again! I go outside to get help for five minutes and you've already indoctrinated Twilight into your crazy religion?
Rarity: Crazy? That isn't what cult leader Fluttershy says. When Lord Smooze returns we'll see who's crazy.
Twilight Sparkle: I'm being accepted! Just like in my story! You both have to do what I've written, or else!
Applejack: Applesack's sweat glistening in the... Ugh! Oh, hey, I gotta go on home and wreck something, so I can file an insurance claim saying the storm did it. See ya!
[lightning strikes]
Applejack: Ah! Or maybe I'll just have Apple Bloom do it.
Twilight Sparkle: Everyone is trapped with me!
Rarity: Now, hold still. We need to appease our spiritual leader.
Twilight Sparkle: Aha! we'll do everything in my story! And Applesack and Charity will slowly fall in love!
Applejack: We have to get out of here.
Rarity: What was that, Applesack? You wouldn't want us to end up like Twilight's old friends in Canterlot, would you?
Applejack: Alright then. So we're playing along, are we?
Rarity: Personally, I am a wonderful actress and have been waiting for a chance to use my talents.
Applejack: Okay, so while you distract Twilight, I'll kick her in the back of the head.
Rarity: That isn't what I meant.
Twilight Sparkle: I hope you girls weren't planning anything behind my back! Yay!
Applejack and Rarity: Nope.
Rarity: I wasn't expecting to see you at my hair salon... Applesack.
Applejack: I'm here... Charity.
Twilight Sparkle: Chapter two, complete. [laughs] This is so great!
Applejack: [whispering] She's crazy.
Twilight Sparkle: Only another sixty-eight chapters before I free you.
Rarity: [whispering] Watch and learn as a true thespian works her witchcraft.
Rarity: Twilight, you have to call an ambulance! I've got a fever of one hundred and three and I'm barely staying alive! It's the dreaded disco fever! [spookily] Achoo-oo...
Applejack: And the Oscar goes to...
[thunder cracks] [Spike screams]
Applejack: [whispering] Rarity! Where are ya?
Rarity: [whispering] I'm here.
Applejack: [whispering] Is she gone? This is freaky.
Rarity: [whispering] Let's get out of here fast! I'm sure we can find shelter in an abandoned cemetery!
Applejack: [whispering] I wanna go back to the chocolate table.
[monster growling]
Rarity: [scared whispering] Oh! What was that noise?
Applejack: I hope it was my stomach.
Twilight Sparkle: [growls]
Applejack and Rarity: [scream]
Twilight Sparkle: Terrified hugging, check. Now, it's time for dinner!
Rarity: And then the one magic graham cracker forced the posh marshmallow and the country bumpkin chocolate to be together, even though they have nothing in common and were being held against their will. Ta-da!
Applejack: An old sandwich on the floor! [munching] It's still good!
Rarity: How are you still skinnier than Spike?
Twilight Sparkle: Ooh, this is where it gets really exciting! I'll get the costumes.
Rarity: [gasp]
Applejack: [gasp]
Rarity: I waited at that train station for five hours!
Applejack: But you letter told me to meet you at the castle.
Rarity: That letter was for your twin sister!
Twilight Sparkle: Right, this is great! I can really feel the tension in the air. I know! Let's move on to the dramatic flashback chapter where Rarity relives her moments at the front lines of the war.
Rarity: Oh no. I'm still seeing a therapist about all the terrible things I went through-
[thump]
Rarity: Oof. It! Is! O-
[thump]
Rarity: Bleugh.
[thump] [thump] [thump]
Rarity: You. Little-
[thump] [thump] [thump]
Twilight Sparkle: I'll play Rarity's innocent victim!
[thump]
Rarity: Let. Me. Fin-
[thump]
Rarity: No!
Twilight Sparkle: Okay. And now you girls have to sleep in the bunker together.
[snoring] [thunder]
Rarity: Keep your chocolatey hooves on your side of the s'more.
Applejack: [whispering] I licked it all off!
Rarity: So what? That's actually a little grosser.
Applejack: [whispering] They're clean, look!
Rarity: Eww!
Applejack: [whispering] Quit hogging all the graham cracker!
Rarity: Now I have to get into sleeping position again. Fatty. Ah ah! You have to sing The Sleep Song before you go to sleep.
[Art of the Dress instrumental playing]
Rarity
I am not, messing up the covers
Sliding in, so as not to wrinkle all the sheets
Making sure the quilt stays nice and clean
Have you ever seen a bed so neat?
I'm getting into bed
Applejack: [whispering] Wait-
Rarity
Sleep sleep sleep, time to go to sleep now
It is night, and I have to sleep while it is dark
I am really tired, time for sleep
Now tired tired tired, sleep sleep sleep
I'm getting into bed
Applejack: Well, I don't care much for covers. Biscuits and gravy!
[thud]
Rarity: M-mmm!
Applejack: I ain't budgin'.
Rarity: [muffled] You will, if you want the blanket.
Applejack: [muffled] I will not!
Rarity: [muffled] Yes, you will!
Applejack: [muffled] I will not!
Rarity: [muffled] Yes, you will!
Applejack: [muffled] I will not!
Twilight Sparkle: Shut up! All day long you've been botching my masterfully written fanfic about you, guys. And now, with all this arguing, I can't even dream about you! I have the magic power to levitate objects, read books, control lightning and write fanfics, and when I get angry I lose control of all my powers!
[thunder cracks] [Spike screams]
[thunder cracks] [lightning strikes]
Spike: Aah! Not again!
Twilight Sparkle: Oh no! The tree is going to fall on that giant purple mushroom!
Applejack: Get out of my way, window! Good thing my giant hat can turn into a giant rope. Easy as square dancing with a cardboard box.
[cymbals crash] [sad trombone]
Spike: But I used that tree to climb up here!
Rarity: This is what you get for angering Lord Smooze!
Applejack: Um, Merry Christmas, Twilight.
Twilight Sparkle: This isn't canon! There's a huge tree in my already huge tree house! And that's not supposed to happen until chapter twenty-six! And It's supposed to dramatically shatter Big McIntosh's spine!
Applejack: What in Lee's ghost are you doin'?!
Rarity: Trying to stay in style, Applefat! Hats are very in right now, which must be why yours disappeared.
[sad trombone]
Applejack: Destroy, destroy, destroy! Rarity, help me move this tree! You don't need to build a shrine for Fluttershy's made up religion! Ugh, fine. Praise Lord Smooze!
Rarity: You're converting?
Applejack: Yeah, fine, whatever. Look, I know that after the war things were hard on the both of us. But that's no reason for us to be enemies. The truth is that I wear a giant hat all the time and I think the ones that you make are kinda nice too, Rarity-
Twilight Sparkle: Charity.
Applejack: Charity.
Rarity: You really like my hats?
Applejack: You betcha! Now look. There's two things you're good at. Being a fashion diva, and killin' stuff. And right now I'm gonna need you to do both of those things to help me.
Rarity: Oh, let's prune this.
Twilight Sparkle: Okay, so if Fluttershy's nervous breakdown gets pushed back, then maybe I can move the sham marriage two chapters earlier.
Spike: Help! Twilight! I fell off the roof! I broke both my legs, but I think I'm gonna be okay! If you would just let down your rope, I can pull myself back up! Aaaaah! [screaming gradually fading]
Rarity: Oh! Ohh... I look ugly...
Applejack: Hmmmm, ha! There. Now at least one of us won't have to look at ya.
Rarity: Thanks.
Twilight Sparkle: Yeees. Yeees! Hnnng!
Applejack and Rarity: [fake laugh]
Twilight Sparkle: Another great joke told by Twilight Sparkle!
Applejack: [whispering] Just keep playing along. I reckon we're almost out of here.
Rarity: Of course, Appleja- I mean, Applesack, my dear.
Applejack: Oh, I'm so glad I met you, Charity.
Rarity: Our love is like a well-written fairy tale.
Applejack: Marry me.
Rarity: I do!
Applejack: Yay!
Applejack and Rarity: [forced laugh]
Twilight Sparkle: They're so happy! The end. I declare my first fanfic a success!
Applejack and Rarity: We're free!
Twilight Sparkle: Book one, complete.
Twilight Sparkle: Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that even if a well-bred noble pony finds it hard to open up to anyone, the honest affections of a cowpony can draw her out of her shell. As emotions run high in this tale of lust, murder and intrigue, Charity will discover what it means to love... and to forgive.
Princess Celestia: Ohh, pleeease, let it be a one-shot...
Twilight Sparkle: Enclosed are all seventy chapters.