RDP: Somewhere Only We Know/Transcript

Rainbow Dash Presents: Somewhere Only We Know Today the sky is as bright blue as bird's egg, and I'm as forgetful as always. There is no grey clouds anywhere, which I'm about to be in big trouble for with my boss, cause he had grey clouds scheduled today. I'd like it to be whatever I feel like, but there's a system in place, and if I shake it up then I get written up.But that aside, I got me some awesome wings, I don't know what I'd do without them. I couldn't be on weather teams anymore, that's for sure. I'd probably had to get a job working at some kind of chain retail store, saling sweaters and toasters to little old ladies. I'd try to do a good job, but the little old ladies wouldn't know what they want, and they'd blame me for it.So really I'm happy with my government job. Besides, I'm a really good flier anyway, that's why they call me Rainbow Dash, because I dash, and I've got rainbows on my head and on my butt.One time I did fall though. Okay, a lot of times I've fallen, but so far it hasn't killed me. One or two comas, the occasional concussion, and one time I did go into the light, but I got back again when I realized I forgot to turn off the owen. So yeah, good times for Rainbow Dash.Today I'm gonna hang out with my friends, so I shake my bright blue butt and tumble to Twilight's library. She's always giving us crap, but I know she's stressed out from school, and it makes her feel a little better to have someone to talk to.Pinkie's there too, and she's like: "Rainbow Dash, how's your leg?" And she asked me this because my leg is once againis freaking broken. Of course I remeber the last time I went in for surgery, somepony didn't exactly uphold the Hippocratic oath, so I'm like "It's fine".So we hang out for a while, and it turns out I've been dreaming my entire life! My eyes pop open wide to the sound of orangutan in a fine business suit banging a couple of cymbals together! And he's screaming "Wake up!" in his crazy monkey language.And I'm like: "Holy frig! I'm up, I'm up."I hate the friggin morning wake up song. One of these days I'm gonna die from a heart attack. About a year ago I used to fight this crap. They'd bang the cymbals, and I'd be gone! Fences, gates, hedges, wallls, everything totally bypassed as I made a beeline for any point of space most opposite to the cymbals. I used to drag, like five orangutans behind me, them hanging up for their life as I tore the streets in blind terror.I don't get ridden a whole lot, which is kinda sad, admittedly. Because Mr. Jingles bought me for his kids. His son, Flippers, wanted to name me Thunder Crash, Destroyer of Worlds. The daughter, Wanda, wanted to name me Rainbow Dancer, Queen of Petunias. Mr. Jingles compromised with Rainbow Dash. He later added Queen of Pointless Destruction after they had me a few weeks.There used to be other ponies living on the farm. Pinkie Pie had a stall right next to me a while ago. She was one of those horses that would do stuff, like try to make the saddle fit too loose around her, so when the orangutans rode her, the saddle would slip and they's fall down.All things consiered, she was a pretty fun roommate, untill the day she escaped. I was just hanging out, and then I noticed Pinkie Pie on the other side of the fence. There weren't any holes or anything, she was just over there, looking pretty darn happy. Then she was gone, ran off into the forest. I don't know what happened to it, but Mr. Jingles bought gun and slept with the lights on for weeks.I used to pull carts and stuff with Twilight too. She was always the boss pony, alpha mare Twilight, she'd be like: "Don't run so fast, You don't event know where we're going", and she'd be right. She was the smartest pony. I think they ran her out though, She'd be gone all weeks, and as far as I'm concerned, it's pretty much like forever, so I don't know if she's coming back at all.So, anyway, since I'm the only pony on the farm, and possible even the entire planet right now(?), and Mr. Jingles hitches me to his carriage, so I can carry him and his family down to the city today. This is kind of exciting to me, because for one thing, I'd never get trusted with this kind of job, they put blinders on me, so I'd have to listen to directions. If I don't then I'd drive everyone off a cliff, and then Mr. Jingles gets really unhappy.The other thing is that there are always other ponies in the city. So that's always fun. I think thy're just trusting me to do this today cause I broke my leg, so I'm really enthusiastic, but the horrible sptting pain keeps me from getting over-excited. I guess I probably should've kept an eye out for that gopher hole. But it's like high inside is 20/20 (?), so what are you gonna do.So they hook me into the carriage, and the way we go down the dirt road to the city. The sky is looking kinda grey today, but that's fine, cause it's not my fault. Mr Jingles, his kids and his wife were all coming along for the ride. I don't know where we're going, but Flipper keeps touching Wanda's personal bauble and Wanda keeps freaking out about it. Mom and dad threaten them, bu I don't understand most of their monkey language, so I just keep doing whatever.We stop, and Mr. Jingles shouts over the shoulder to kids. I just kinda hang out. Some butteflies are out there, it's kinda damp, I've got itch on my nose… And then we start moving again.Pretty soon we get to the city. There are all kinds of really tall buildings, and there's like a million pigeons. They all are parched on statues of dancing orangutans and spit out of their mouth. There's one or two statues of ponies doing something. Those are my favorite ones.Eventually we get to our destination, and Wanda wants to feed me for being such a good pony. I recognize those words, but Mr. Jingles says "No!" He gives some kind of explanation for why not, but whatever it is, it's probably not good enough.Anyway, they leave me alone, parked up there. I don't know where the're going, but I'm pretty happy. There's lots of stuff to look at, although I've got these stupid blinders on my face. There's horses all over the place. Most of them aren't doing anything interesting, but oh man they're there.Suddenly, in the corner of my vision I spy on of those flairy little carriages. You know, one of ones that drive the circles around in town, they give you a blanket, and the driver gives you a little tour of neat landmarks around the city. The pony pulling it always has a bunch of little bows in their hair, event if it's a stallion. It's so embarrasing. But sure enough, Rarity is pulling it. Mr. Jingles sold Rarity, like, forever ago. I'm terrible with time. But she's just pulling that carriage around like nobody's business. She's all brushed, and she's got little bows, oh my gosh, I can't believe it's her. I'm super excited, and I'm like "Rarity! Hey Rarity! Rarity! Rarity! Hey Rarity! Rarity! I like your carrige! Hey Rarity!" But she doesn't hear me, she turns the corner and then she's gone. I'll probably never see her again. So I'm just standing around for a while and do my best to count pigeons, but they won't hold still and they keep flying away.Then suddenly an evil creature attacks me from behind! I can't see it, but I just know it's one of those creepy non-crested orangutang males from the alley. I kick with all of my might in self-defence, landing my hoof squarely on a bucket. There's a splash! And soon, a very angry and damp Mr. Jingles is standing next to me. He doesn't say anything. I think we both know that it's his fault. He sets the bucket in front of me, and it still has some whater in it. I accept it as apology offering and he leaves me alone again.After he leaves, I swear I can smell apples. I turn my head, and oh my gosh, there's an apple cart, and Applejack and Big Macintosh are standing right next to me. They've seen better days though. In impossible to determine length of time ago, there was a big zombie outbreak, but the disease only infected ponies. It didn't spread very much, but Applejack and her brother both caught it. And other zomblers.And I'm like "Hey guys!" But all they do is groan and beg for brains. Really, she wasn't much of a conversation after the infection, and she have to be separated from us a lot. She developed kind of a biting problem, which is unsanitary. So I'm like "How are things going for you? I broke my leg, see? Hey! Hey Rarity! Hey Rarity! Ohmygosh, she's back! Hey Rarity! Hey Rarity! Rarity, I like your carriage! I like your carriage, Rarity! Hey Rarity! Man, I think she is ignoring me." Applejack just mumbles something about brains. It's all she ever wants to talk about. So I'm like "Yeah, I heard your brother got gelded. That sucks. Can he hear me?"Tell him I'm sorry. I can't tell if Big Macintosh can hear me or not. He doesn't have a lower jaw right now, so he can't make, lake, basses(?) or anything, to indicate, you know, if he's unhappy about that. If I were a stallion, I'd be pretty unhappy about that.So they leave, and I see Rarity 2 or 3 more times, until finally Mr. Jingles and his family come back. They untie me and pay for the damage I caused when I went to go talk to Rarity. And then we start our trip home. It rains.When we get home, Mr. Jingles give me some more water and some oats so I won's starve to death. He gives me a long look. A really long look. I don't know what his problem is, but I think he needs anger management maybe. After he leaves, Wanda and Flippers take me apples for being a good pony. Those kids are awesome. So I got my food, and I got my water. Not a lot of life goals, but two out of three isn't bad. Plus I've got to see or at least think about all of my friends today. So I lay down and go to bed, and that's when I dream about being in Ponyville again. I can fly around, and I even have a job, but I'm not doing it right now, becuase work is lame. Thechnically the sky is to be as clear of clouds as I want, the only drawback being is I'm going to be in a lot of trouble for breaking the schedule. Today I'm just gonna let the clouds sort themselves out, because I'm going to the farm to play with applejack. She's not a zombie in dreamland, so our conversation is less one-sided. We get together and throw stuff through the windows. I score the most points.So… The end! It's a banana with a bell on it, because Dash is owned by a monkey named Mr. Jingles. She got a freeze brand, which is a sort of treatment that bleaches her hair follicles white rather than burning a scar into her butt. Supposedly it hurts less but can be more expensive, although Mr. Jingles has enough money to afford it.However, one drawback to the freeze brand is that someone on Mr. Jingles' farm has to shave Dash's flank on a regular basis during the winter, or else her hair will grow in too thick for the brand to be visible. I'm sometimes surprised how much I'm prompted to learn about proper horse care thanks to this show.