Epic Pony Time/Transcripts

Epic Cupcake Time
Pinkie Pie: Epic Cupcake Time! I'm Pinkie Pie, this is Rainbow Dash. Right now, she's Rainbow Glasses.

Rainbow Dash: You know!

Pinkie Pie: And today, we're gonna show you how to make crazy cupcaakes! Call Twilight Sparkle. Sh[yay]t's about to get magical. [sets magnum of rainbow juice on table] Got my magnum of rainbow juice, about to change the friendship game. Whatcha know about sugar comas?

Rainbow Dash: Uh...yeah?

Pinkie Pie: Just got back from Applejack's place, stole five bags of sugar. Now, we're gonna use it. [starts pouring sugar into bowl] More sugar. [keeps pouring] More sugar! MORE SUGAR!

Rainbow Dash: Uh, Pinkie Pie...that's a lotta sugar.

Pinkie Pie: Now the flour. [mixing flour] This ain't your mother's milk. Now, we add the rainbow juice! [pours rainbow juice into bowl] [yay]'s smart! Now to toast these bitches, got my home dragon Spike, about to get hotter than a rainbow! I know!

[Spike breathes fire, instantly baking cupcakes]

Pinkie Pie: All these cupcakes look like blank flanks. Time to decorate.

Rainbow Dash: About to get all "Sonic Rainboom" on these bitches!

Pinkie Pie: Flowers, rainbows, friendships, f[yay]kin' beautiful !

Rainbow Dash: [frosting cupcakes] Pile on the frosting, more frosting, so, much, frosting! Gonna need another Winter Wrap-Up by the time this is done!

Pinkie Pie: You're sitting at home, crying like a little bitch; I'm here with these beautiful ponies. What now, hater?

[cuts to after Derpy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy eat all the cupcakes]

Pinkie Pie: Next time...we eat Apple Jacks.

Applejack: ...Beg your pardon?

Epic Pie Time
Pinkie Pie: Today, we have Applejack here.

Applejack: Uh...howdy?

Pinkie Pie: And Rarity too...if she didn't decide to pussy out! Call her up. Tell 'er she's a little bitch. We're about to go "pony-fabulous" on all these apples.

[Epic Pie Time (I'mma get drunk off this @#$%!)]

Pinkie Pie: Epic Pie Time here at Sugarcube Corner, about to get down with some apple pies. Granny Smith. Big Macintosh. Golden and red delicious. [holds up bottle of Applejack Daniel's] Applejack Daniel's, mutha[squee]ka, what up?!

[Applejack crushes apples on the floor using her hooves.]

Pinkie Pie: Next level mushing apparatus.

[Applejack pushes the crushed apples into the bowl.]

Pinkie Pie: [pouring sugar and spice into bowl] Next, we add the sugar, spice, and everything nice. But we ain't got no "Chemical X!" Instead, we got the good sh[squee]...APPLE-J D!

[Pinkie smashes an Applejack Daniel's bottle over side of bowl, getting broken glass and whiskey inside]

Pinkie Pie: Time for the crust. First the flour. [pours in flour] Then the water. [pours in water] And now, the eggs.

[Pinkie breaks entire closed carton of eggs over the edge of the table, and then Applejack starts beating the eggs.]

Pinkie Pie: Applejack's beatin' those eggs like she beats Applebloom.

Applejack: [stops beating] What'dja say?

Pinkie Pie: Nothing. Just um, keep beating.[Applejack finishes and pours the whisked eggs into the bowl.]

Pinkie Pie: Time to mix it up. What up, egg beatah?!

Vinyl Scratch: Let's spin this sh[squee]t!

''[Vinyl Scratch starts up her turntable with the ingredient bowl on top, playing "Existence VIP" by Excision and Downlink. Everypony but Applejack headbangs to the music until...]''

Pinkie Pie: MORE APPLEJACK DANIEL'S! [breaks another bottle of whiskey over the bowl, again also getting broken glass inside.] Now, time to bake these bitches. [puts pie inside oven]

[Rainbow Dash guzzles down an entire bottle of Applejack Daniel's, and then slams the empty bottle down on the counter.]

Rainbow Dash: Uuuugh, how am I gonna pay for all this?!

Pinkie Pie: You like cartoons? We got cartoons. www.hoofflix.com/cupcakes! You get one-month free trial of all the cartoons you want, and we get cupcake money! ''[grabs and holds camera with both hooves] DON'T YOU F[squee]K THIS UP FOR ME! I NEED my CUPCAKE MONEY!''

[oven dings]

Pinkie Pie: Done!

''[Pinkie hits the oven door with her foot, opening it. She pulls out the pie and throws it onto the counter.]''

Pinkie Pie: And now, things get delicious. [putting on hay bacon strips] Hay bacon strips. Hay bacon strips. Hay bacon strips. Hay bacon strips.

[Pinkie digs around in the cabinets under the counter and comes back up with a can of whipped cream.]

Pinkie Pie: And now, we cream on this bitch! [covers the top of the pie with whipped cream] Okay, now which one of ya [squee]s is gonna eat this beast?!

[Rarity suddenly bursts through the door]

Rarity: Which one of you f[squee]ing pieces of sh[squee]t called me a bitch?!

[Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, and Vinyl Scratch all quickly point at the pie.]

Rarity: ''Huaaaah! [jumps at the pie, landing face first, and starts angrily eating it while the other ponies just look at each other.]''

Pinkie Pie: Next time, we eat Skrillex.

[credits screen]

Epic Wub Time
Twilight: Ah, what a beautiful day. Time to get to my studies an--aaaaghhh!

Vinyl Scratch: ''Awwww yeah! Good morning, Ponyville!!''

[Epic Wub Time: Musicians of Ponyville]

Interviewer: So, Octavia, what are your mornings usually like, living with a DJ?

Octavia: I wake up every morning, I come downstairs, she's doing the dishes. She's great, right? A roommate who does the dishes! Only...one problem...she cleans them with...wubs. [facehoof] Ugh.

Vinyl Scratch: We crank that bass up to 11 and it cleans off the dishes at a microscopic level! Yeeeaahhh!

Octavia: I was going to be first-chair cellist for the Royal Canterlot Symphony...how is this my life?

Interviewer: It seems your roommate Octavia has very refined tastes. Does that ever lead to, say, clashes between the two of you?

Vinyl Scratch: What? Oh! Nah, nah, man, she's cool. I mean, yeah, she can get kinda snooty now and then, but what can you do? 'S'all good. I mean, for instance, she's got real high standards. Like, one time, I hooked her up with this wicked-cool dude and she totally snubbed him! What's up with that?

Octavia: Vinyl knows all of the really great musicians in town, and she introduced me to a violinist I...well, rather admired from afar, but hadn't had the chance to meet professionally. We met at Sugarcube Corner for a spot of tea, but things quickly...got out of hoof.

Octavia: [giggles]

Pinkie Pie: Who's up for a cupcake-eating contest?!

Violinist: [groans angrily]

Octavia: A-are you...alright?

Violinist: Yes, but I can never resist a challenge!

Octavia: Uh...

Violinist: Ah told you! Ah told you I'd win! Next time, Pinkie...next time, I'll eat all your cupcakes!

Pinkie Pie: Please, no...

Octavia: It could have gone better.

Vinyl Scratch: I dunno, he seemed like a cool guy to me. What did I tell ya? Up. Tight. Actually...[pulls up phone]...I think I still have his number! [Tries to dial a number, but her hoofs are way too big for the touchscreen] Why do I even have this? [throws phone into fireplace, and it explodes]

Interviewer: So, Octavia, although you have your share of differences, it seems the two of you still manage to live together in harmony. Is that fair to say?

Octavia: Well, yes, we do share our differences, but Vinyl usually means well. There was that one time when she saved Ponyville from certain destruction.

Discord: [evil laughter] Oh, I'm so happy I decided to come back and take over again. Oh, this is far easier than I ever expected it would...hold on, who are you?

Vinyl Scratch: [wheeling in giant speaker] Alright, everypony, take a seat. I got this.

Discord: [laughing] And what, pray tell, is that?

Vinyl Scratch: Ah, it's nothin' special, it's just my BASS CANNON!! [hits button]

[The speakers open up to reveal a bass cannon inside, which activates and defeats Discord]

Discord: Aaaaaaaaaggghhhhhh!!!!

Rainbow Dash: So...awesome...

Vinyl Scratch: Even though we have our differences, Octavia's still one of my best friends. She's one of the most generous ponies I know, and always helps me out in a jam.

Octavia: Hey, do you want the rest of the sandwich?

[Vinyl Scratch gasps intensely]

Vinyl Scratch: [crying] She really taught me what friendship could mean that day...and it was delicious.

[credits]