The Mentally Advanced Series/Transcripts

Episode 1

 * Applejack: Hey, Twilight, I just wanted to thank y'all for helpin' me pick them apples, I tell ya what. Hoo-wee!
 * Twilight Sparkle: No problem, Applejack. I'm surprised you didn't ask me sooner, you being a filthy Earth pony and all. A unicorn would be a great deal more efficient at your job.
 * Spike: Oh, hey, catch.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Hey, if you don't mind me asking, can Earth ponies even read?
 * Spike: What?! [belch]
 * [magical pop]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh. Uh-oh. What does Celestia want from me this time?
 * Spike: [ahem] "Dear Twilight, I hope you're having a wonderful time down there in Ponyville and not up here in the magical city of Canterlot. Just to give you a little taste of your former life of luxury, here's two tickets to the Grand Galloping Gala. Enjoy."
 * Twilight Sparkle: Two tickets?! I'll get out of this rat-hole prison for a whole day!
 * Spike: I don't know, Twilight. You know how Celestia can be. You know this is more than likely some kind of spaz setup.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Please, Spike, don't crush my dreams.
 * [crash]
 * Rainbow Dash: Oh, my God! You got tickets to Canterlot?! Take me!
 * Applejack: Oh, cool them thighs, sugarpie. I was just about to ask the same thing. Besides, why do you even wanna go?
 * Rainbow Dash: Well, I need to be emotionally validated by my childhood idols. I've dreamt all my life of crashing one of their performances and making an ass of myself for attention. I thrive on attention!
 * Applejack: No way! I was gonna scalp my ticket to some poor halfwit and use the money to fix up my farm! My Granny needs a hip replacement! And darn it, I will arm-wrestle!
 * Applejack and Rainbow Dash: [grunting]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Girls! The second ticket is obviously for a date, and I am not gonna take one of you morons.
 * Applejack: Well, hang on. Y'all can't even get a date.
 * Rainbow Dash: Yeah! And that means that you can take one of us!
 * Applejack: And that means that you can take me!
 * Rainbow Dash: Please notice me!
 * Twilight Sparkle: I'm sure that I could just lower my standards and date a Pegasus or something. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some royal protégé courting to do.


 * Spike: I thought you hated the idea of dating, Twilight.
 * Twilight Sparkle: That was back when dating was a detriment to real study, Spike. These days I'm studying friendship. Of all—
 * [crash]
 * Pinkie Pie: I've got the music in me! [squealing] Stop! Sweet crimson hot dogs! Lucky-lucky! These are for me! They will complete the prophecies! Yes, please!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Uh...
 * Rarity: Spike! I will give you three blowjobs for those!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Wha...
 * Pinkie Pie: You see? They're already bringing the pieces together. Soon the day of reckoning will be upon us.
 * Rarity: These are tickets to Canterlot! Oh, as a unicorn, I've always lamented my low birth here in Ponyville. You know, I'd really give anything to strut my stuff in front of some worthwhile ponies.
 * Pinkie Pie: Yes.
 * Fluttershy: Oh, it looks like you have tickets to Canterlot. And I suppose – oh, this must sound silly – that you're probably looking for a date.
 * Rarity: Why? Do you have someone in mind for Twilight to go out with?
 * Fluttershy: Uh... no. I mean, me. Just as friends though.
 * Twilight Sparkle: [to Rainbow Dash] Are you stalking me?
 * Rainbow Dash: Well, yes! But that isn't fair! You know how much attention I need! Why don't you take me as a date? Fluttershy probably won't even put out!
 * Applejack: Hey now, I'm just as good a friend as any.
 * Twilight Sparkle: What are you talking about? Where'd you come from?
 * Applejack: You know y'all can't trust this one. She'll probably drop roofies in your drink when y'all's lookin' the other way. I know a guy what told me so.
 * Rainbow Dash: It was just that one time!
 * Main cast bar Twilight: [arguing]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Stop!
 * Pinkie Pie: ...weight in cheese and vomited up the cast of Battlestar Galactica.
 * [beat]
 * Pinkie Pie: Shrimps.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Alright, listen up, everypony.
 * Rarity: But Twilight—
 * Twilight Sparkle: Ah! No! Listen carefully. Everyone, shut up!
 * Main cast bar Twilight: [grumbling]


 * Twilight Sparkle: I don't know, Spike. I'm beginning to think that this is one of Celestia's little spaz errands after all. All she ever does is shovel crap into my life. Vengeance! Oh. Hey! Maybe I can mail a spider to Celestia.
 * Spike: I love your plan. [to Savoir Fare] Oh, right. Just a sandwich for the lady. Thank you.
 * Twilight Sparkle: You like my plan?
 * Spike: Look, the thing is, the only reason you keep getting dumped on by Celestia is because you respond so hilariously to it.
 * Twilight Sparkle: So what exactly are you saying? Everything is my fault?
 * Spike: Well, let me think. Uh, yeah.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Well, up yours, Spike! And screw you. You know, forget you. I'm sure there's some way I can ruin Celestia's life.
 * Rainbow Dash: Hey, Twi! I'm up here in the clouds! Man!
 * [rain falling]
 * Rainbow Dash: Hey, give me those tickets.
 * Twilight Sparkle: [sarcastically] Yeah, sure. Or else what? Are you gonna rain on me? I will do things to you, Dash. Unspeakable things. I have a medical background. I know what makes you tick.
 * Rainbow Dash: Fine. Jesus.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh, yes.
 * Rarity: Twilight, what are you doing?
 * Twilight Sparkle: So... angry...
 * Rarity: Come on.


 * Rarity: That was no way for the master race to be seen. Come, let's pamper you. [squealing]
 * [construction SFX]
 * Rarity: Oh, let's shave your legs!
 * Twilight Sparkle: What?! No! That's insane!
 * Rarity: Oh, wait just a moment. Spike, hello! Why don't you grab me those tickets before I grab the calipers?
 * Spike: Uhhh...
 * [construction SFX]
 * Spike: [speaking under] Get off of me, you crazy bitch!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Rarity, if you're just gonna play with Spike, then I think I'm just gonna go ahead and leave.
 * Applejack: Hey, stop! I got pies and stuff! This here's a pie. That's a pie. A pie. Yeah, I even got pies on my head. So, Twilight, you want any pies?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Never again! [wailing]
 * Applejack: What's the matter with pies?


 * Twilight Sparkle: "What's the matter with pies?" What's she thinking?! Oh, God! [grumbling]
 * Fluttershy: [singing] In the afterlife, you could be headed for the serious strife...
 * Twilight Sparkle: [sigh] Fluttershy, what are these animals here for?
 * Fluttershy: Well, I thought if I showed you how good I was with animals, then you would remember that I wasn't crazy and that I wouldn't put roofies in your drink like Rainbow Dash.
 * Twilight Sparkle: I don't know about that.
 * Fluttershy: Oh. Well, maybe just one or two roofies.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Get out of my house.
 * Fluttershy: Oh. No, you'll have to talk to Angel about that. He's in charge. Right? Right, Angel?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Look, just make sure that you clean up after all the bird droppings. Those animals are disgusting and stupid. So you should just get out of here—
 * Pinkie Pie: Commence the invasion when I complete the equation!
 * [party horns blowing]
 * Pinkie Pie: Okay, now! Okay, now throw her in the air.
 * Twilight Sparkle: H-Hey now!
 * Pinkie Pie: Once again!
 * Twilight Sparkle: Don't drop me! Goddamn it!
 * Pinkie Pie: [laughing] I have betrayed you to all the others!
 * Twilight Sparkle: [groans]
 * Pinkie Pie: [laughing] Painful?
 * Twilight Sparkle: The hell's the matter with you?! What do you even think you're trying to do?!
 * Drizzle: Hey, I thought you said she had tickets to Canterlot.
 * Pinkie Pie: She has them.
 * Ponies: [Me, me, me, etc.]
 * Daisy: Pick me. I found flowers.
 * Shoeshine: You found flowers? I found these carrots!
 * Ponies: [Me, me, me, etc.]
 * Spike: Oh, Jesus.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Spike. Let's boogie.
 * Ponies: [Me, me, me, etc.]


 * Spike: I wish you wouldn't distort the laws of time and space.
 * Twilight Sparkle: Shut up! They're my powers to abuse! Now lock everything!
 * [doors shutting]
 * Twilight Sparkle: Oh, my God, it's you schmucks again! Why won't you go and just leave me alone for ten minutes so I can think of some diabolical spell to cast and make everyone in this town disappear? I mean, you guys are such dicks!
 * Applejack: Aw, listen, Twi. Y'all don't have to kill everyone in fire.
 * Pinkie Pie: I say we call her bluff. She does not have the nerve.
 * Applejack: Twilight, sometimes, even though you want to kill everyone, you have to know that killin' just ain't the answer. It's one of them pure and simple things in life.
 * Fluttershy: It's true, Twilight. It's true. I've made that same mistake too many times.
 * Pinkie Pie: Mistake?
 * Rarity: We've all murdered someone once or twice without thinking.
 * Rainbow Dash: What about those tickets? Yes. [laughing] Oh, man. I still want those.
 * Twilight Sparkle: [thinking] I have to get back at Celestia somehow. Oh. Here's an idea. [out loud] Spike, take a letter. "Dear Princess Celestia, today my friends taught me the most interesting thing about oogenesis. So as you can imagine, it's going to be an extremely long and boring mail. However, this letter's gonna be full of important information that you need to read. So you better not skip any of it. By the way, here's your stupid tickets back." Okay, send it!
 * Applejack: Uh, Twi, don't you think that she might gouge out your eyes?
 * Twilight Sparkle: Screw consequences. Whatever she does can't be worse than those two tickets.
 * Applejack: I dunno. It just seems plumb reckless of ya to not assume she's gonna do somethin' nas—
 * Spike: [belch]
 * [magical pop]
 * Spike: "Dear Twilight, I'm going to gouge out your eyes. Also, here's six more tickets."
 * Twilight Sparkle: Shit!